What If’s and What Not’s.

On doubt, fear, & pushing through.

Image by Cindy Rodriguez

What if?

What if…..

What IF. The million dollar question. Well, I didn’t think I’d be trying yet another writing platform. In fact, I wasn’t so sure about writing. What if I have nothing to say? What if I have a lot to say but no one cares? I let myself ruminate on these questions.

But I’ve also been thinking about the beautiful imagery in Psalm 1:3 of a tree “planted by streams of water,” yielding fruit. I don’t mean to take scripture out of context here. I realize the psalmist is comparing the righteous person who not only follows God’s law, but also delights in it, to this tree. But as I was meditating on this verse, imagining the scenery, something struck me — the concept of flowing water.

Flowing water means health. When water is stagnant, the yuck grows. If you’ve ever left flowers in a vase for too long without changing the water, you know what I’m talking about. Much like water, creativity must flow. It needs movement or it becomes stagnant. And nothing can grow out of stagnation. I guess sometimes the process of letting creativity flow involves sharing it.

Fear, anxiety, and misery are in cahoots.

There is a lot of fear surrounding my creativity. Fear that I’m not good enough, not creative enough, not original enough. Fear of failure, fear of success. Gahh! Then anxiety… fear’s restless bff. Anxiety has been my unwanted companion for as long as I can remember. But I have begun experiencing a different kind of misery. Ok, misery might be just a touch too strong a word. I’ve noticed that ignoring my desire to create actually hurts - emotionally and mentally, it hurts. Needless to say, it also hurts my confidence and belief in my own creativity.

So, I said that sometimes sharing what we create is just part of the flow. And so here I am again trying to share. This time though, I will try to give myself a bit more grace. Because how can I expect to just flow so easily out into the world as others do when almost my whole life has been about hiding? Hiding myself because I needed to. Numbing myself as an automatic protection mechanism since I was a kid in order to survive. And so, even though sometimes I have a strong desire to share myself, that desire is accompanied by strong fear and anxiety. And I think that is why I chose the name Heart Stuff for this Substack publication.

What is Heart Stuff?

Well, it’s the stuff that really matters. It’s what’s near and dear to my heart. Things that light me up. The meaty parts. The deeper things. Heart stuff is the vulnerable stuff. I don’t like being vulnerable!!! No shocker there, haha. But as Brené Brown says:

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.

(Emphasis mine)

However! I don’t want this endeavor to be all serious all the time. I like fun and light-heartedness as much as the next person. I’m a kid at heart! So, every now and then I will throw in fun things like (probably):

• ideas for decorating and hosting (two things I very much enjoy)

• music/art/books I’m loving

• Really good design

• Wallpapers

• and I dunno! Anything that strikes my fancy or is bringing me joy.

So anyway, if you also like talking about heart stuff, I hope you’ll stick around 💚

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Shoutout to Jenna O'Brien whose story of fear, grief & perseverance as well as creative endeavors have been inspiring and oh so fun to follow!