Where I've Been And Where I'm Hoping To Go

Thoughts on where I've been and where I might be going. I hope you'll come along with me.

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I have to start by saying that when deciding what to title this post, my brain keeps giving me song lyrics. This is how my brain works. If my brain were an elevator there would be music playing 24/7, but not just muzak. No, no. My brain elevator playlist runs the gamut, from heavy metal and classic rock to chill indie folk and smooth jazz, from 90’s rap to poppy 2000s Top 40, from Grunge to Motown & DooWoop. Really the list goes on & on, so I’ll stop there. But I should say Country never really plays. (Btw, I can never get off this elevator. I’m stuck in it 24/7, and I never know what will play next)

Anywhooooo, I have a question: have you ever asked for directions without knowing exactly where you were trying to go? No? That sounds insane, you say? I gotta agree with you.

But this is how I’ve been feeling lately about this publication. That’s why I hadn’t been publishing on Substack for a while. I’ve just felt like I have nothing to say, or what, if anything, I should be saying something about. It’s easier to know what to say when you know the topic, right?

A little backstory - a preface, if you will

Back in 2020, I started an Instagram account to document my lettering journey, as well as all the yummy treats I was baking up. During quarantine, while some took up sourdough bread making or TikTok dancing, I finally decided to learn brush lettering and watercoloring. Two things I had long admired and always wished I could do. And yes, I baked a lot during this time and really enjoyed it! No sourdough, though! Still haven’t tried that. But I do love to eat it.

I named that IG account ArtandBake… yeah, that was the most creative thing I could come up with. As I decided I LOVED lettering and was getting more into it, I changed the name to The Sprinkled Letters (I just happen to adore sprinkles). After some time, I decided I didn’t want to only post lettering stuff. I also wanted to post the art I was making and whatever else I wanted.

So, once more I changed the name of that IG account. This time, the name was Sage & Twine Studio. Ok, well I guess we’ve established by now I’m not the best at coming up with names for things.

In October of 2021, I was invited to write a blog post for SW Women, the women’s ministry at my church. When I wrote The Blessing of Singleness¹, I could not have imagined the positive feedback I would receive. I’ve enjoyed writing since I was a kid, and I felt God asking me to share my story online and talk about my struggles so that it would help others.

That same year, I started writing on Medium.com, a platform for writers. I wanted to be vulnerable in my writing….mmmm actually, I felt like I should be vulnerable. But I didn’t necessarily want to be. I was definitely not ready for it. Opening myself up has not been easy for me. It’s been a long, arduous journey.

The Heart Stuff Co. is born

As I felt God leading me in this direction, The Heart Stuff Co. was born in 2021. I chose that name because I wanted to talk about the hard things, the things on my heart. The deep stuff. The meaty parts, you know?

So, I thought I had the plan: write online, talk about God and what He’s done in my life, what I’ve been through, and how those who have been through similar things can find healing in God. (Insert abrupt record stop sound here) Wait! Was IIIII even healing? I felt I was getting ahead of myself. And spoiler alert, I was.

But I wrote anyway. I built myself a brand and logo (as best I could with the skills I had). I even built my own website to host my blog and eventually an online store to sell my art. This website even had a paid membership (that no one ever signed up for). I was trying to do all the things. I had big dreams.

Peek at the first iteration of the website below! I thought it was so cute haha.

I got called out

I soon realized I had unwittingly put myself in a box, and I did not want to be in a box - of any kind. I follow and admire several businesses that are also Christian ministries (Well-Watered Women, Gracelaced Co., and The Daily Grace Co. come to mind). I found myself trying to sound like them, just because I thought that’s how I should sound: soft, polished, and serious/formal. I don’t think I’m any of those things 😂

My friend Natasha said my writing sounded a bit hypocritical (hi, soul sister!). Not gonna lie, it stung a bit. But she knows my struggles and inner world pretty well, so she would know if I was being a hypocrite. I was not trying to be a hypocrite, but I was not being fully myself either. I was writing the things I thought a Christian writer should write (anddd that I genuinely did believe, but didn’t always put into practice. Ohhh, that's why she called me hypocritical).

At some point, my church mom mentioned that I kept talking about the vulnerability thing but I was not actually being vulnerable in my sharing online. Well, dang. I hate being vulnerable! LOL It’s hard!! Yet, time and time again, I have felt a prompting in my soul saying I need to be vulnerable. And I think that God wants to use that vulnerability.

What’s changed

I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’m still trying to be more vulnerable. Not just online, but in my real-life relationships and in all that I do. I don’t always get it right. When I started writing online again (here on Substack), there was no plan, just the need to write to find what I needed to say. Just a desire to be raw, real, and honest. So, I write the way that I think (for better or for worse).

My posts have been all over the place, without a shared theme. When people ask me what I write about, I don’t know what to say and just tell them, “anything and everything I want to write about.” Lately, this had felt demotivating because the message from most in the online creator space is to write/share around a specific theme, with one direction in mind. There’s that box again! No, thank you. I can’t pick just one.

What’s changing

ALLLLL that to say, that the Heart Stuff Journal has undergone a little revamp, not only aesthetically, but also at it’s core - the nucleus. I’m finding more of what I want to say and how I want to structure it. The ideas have been flowing again! I’m just waiting for my executive function to catch up haha.

Buuuut that’s part of the problem: if I don’t act on an idea right away, even if it’s just by jotting down a few bullet points of what I want to say on the topic, that idea just floats away and vanishes into the ether. That particular note in my Notes app gathers proverbial dust. So I have to be more intentional about it and be disciplined.

I made a GIF and it turned out super wonky but I love the direction it’s heading!

Last week, I wrote about creativity and many different forms of it:

What Shape Does Your Creativity Take?

I want to dive deeper into the topic of creativity in the future, but also continue writing about my personal journey, poetry, living out my Christian faith, and how I’m learning to live more joyfully - a.k.a. things I can do/am doing to foster joy, but also how I’m depending on Jesus for everlasting joy. I will also sprinkle in some lifestyle things, like coffee recipes. The connecting thread and overarching theme of The Heart Stuff Journal will be faith and vulnerability, because without those two things you can’t truly or fully have anything.

Keep reading:

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1. For some reason, the SW Women’s blog now shows Erin Mulder as the author of the post.